Reading Text B
Phony Phone Calls / Hello? I'm Glad You Called

FINALLY, a cellphone service available to everyone, everywhere - free! No overage charges, no hidden fees, no contracts and no dropped calls, ever. Probably thousands of people have already been using it, but I just discovered it, so I'm going to claim it and also name it: Fake Foning.

The technology has been working well for me at the office, but there are infinite applications. Virtually any public space.

Say you work at a big university with lots of talky faculty members - not to mention talky students - buzzing about. Now, say you need to use the restroom. The trip down the hall will, you know, take approximately one hour. Because a person can't walk into those talky people without getting pulled aside for a question, a bit of gossip, a new read on a certain line of Paradise Lost.

So, a cellphone. Any cellphone. Just pick it up. Don't dial. Just hold that phone to your face and start talking. Walk confidently down the hall engaged in fake conversation, making sure to tailor both the tenor and content to the person standing before you whom you are trying to evade.2
For standard colleague avoidance, I suggest fake chatting about fake business:

"Yes, and that's why I'm glad you called, because we really need to hammer out the details. What's that? Yes, I read Page 12, but if you look at the bottom of 4, I think you can see the problem begins right there."

Be animated. Be engrossed in your fake fone conversation. Make eye contact with the people passing, nod to them, gesture keen interest in talking to them at a later time, 3point to your phone, shrug and move on.

Shoppers should consider fake foning anytime they spot a talky neighbor in the produce department pinching unripe peaches. Without your phone at your face, you'd be in for a 20-minute speech on how terrible the world is.

Singles feeling shy about entering a bar to meet the cute woman sitting in the window should fake fone their way into that bar, fake chat their way right toward the cute one, using fake fone conversation such as: "Thank you. Yeah, I feel really good about the award. I know, it's a lot of money. Maybe I can buy that houseboat! Just kidding. I'll donate the first million to the refugees who so desperately need it, then invest."

You'd want, of course, to carry this fake conversation on at a high volume as you approach the cute one. And then you should pretend your fake caller has to go, leaving you abruptly alone. Look sad. If the cute one starts up a conversation with you and asks you about the award or the refugees, well, you're on your own.4

One important caution about fake foning. The other day I was fake foning my way past a colleague, and he was actually following me to get my attention. I knew he wanted to ask about a project I had not yet finished. I was trying to buy myself some time, so I continued fake foning with my doctor. "So I don't need the operation? Oh, doctor, that is the best news."

And then: Brrrrrrng! Brrrrrrng! Brrrrrrng! My phone started ringing, right there while it was planted on my face. My colleague looked at me, and I at him, and naturally I gasped. "What is the matter with this thing?" I said, pulling the phone away to look at it, and then putting it back to my ear.

"Hello? Are you still there?"

Oops