英語如此搞笑，翻譯如此殘暴 (雙語)

來源：滬江博客 2010-02-22 10:52

雙語中文英語

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

開始我直接求上帝賜輛自行車。后來我琢磨上帝辦事兒不是這個路數(shù)。于是老子偷了一輛然后求上帝寬恕。

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

我希望能像爺爺那樣，安靜地在睡夢中死去，而不要像他開的車上那些慘叫滴乘客一樣死法??！

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

你永遠(yuǎn)不能戰(zhàn)勝一個純SB，因為他會把你的智商拉到跟他個水平，然后用豐富的經(jīng)驗打敗你。

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

吾雖不殺伯仁，伯仁由我而死。

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

有些人就像 Slinkies（彈簧玩具），沒什么實在用處，但看他們在樓梯上倒騰來倒騰去還是很有喜感。

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

我們永遠(yuǎn)不可能真正的成熟，我們只是學(xué)會在眾人面前裝逼。

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

曾以為我想要的是職業(yè)，結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)我只是想要工資。

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

晚間新聞總是以“晚上好”開頭，再告訴你你為什么好不了。

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

直譯：知識就是說你知道西紅柿是一種水果；智慧就好似不要把它放進(jìn)水果沙拉里。
意譯a：知識就是告訴你說應(yīng)該把雞蛋放進(jìn)籃子，智慧則是叫你不要把所有雞蛋都放進(jìn)一個籃子。
意譯b：所謂知識就是知道韓少和小四都屬于80后，但智慧告訴你最終還是男女有別。

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

上帝瞅著咱們呢，大伙好歹喜感點吧！

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

無論，在任何情況下，永遠(yuǎn)，不要在一個夜晚，同時吃，安眠藥，和通便靈。

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

老子拼死拼活奮斗到食物鏈頂端，不是為了成為一個素食者。

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

海豚可聰明了你知道不？只要馴養(yǎng)幾個星期，它們就能讓人類乖乖站在池邊給它們?nèi)郁~吃了。

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫們走路和說話。然后你再花16年教丫們坐定和閉嘴。

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

你有什么不開心的？說出來給大家開心開心。

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

意譯：竊鉤者誅，竊國者為諸侯。
注定是魚同學(xué)在6樓翻譯：照抄某人叫剽竊，四處借鑒的那叫大家。

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

當(dāng)我填表的時候，有一項是“緊急情況聯(lián)系：” 我填上了“醫(yī)生”，到時候我媽能幫上什么忙？！

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

上帝一定倍兒愛SB，不然他造這么多！

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

直譯：小孩子要中間名，純粹是為了讓他知道他啥時候真的有麻煩了。
直譯a：起個全名就為了揍孩子前可以底氣十足地喊出來。
意譯b：賈君鵬這名字就為了讓他媽喊他回家吃飯！

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.