貢獻(xiàn)：國內(nèi)大學(xué)英語考試輔導(dǎo)專家，恩波四六級核心教師。多年擔(dān)任四六級及考研閱卷組組長，具有豐富的考試輔導(dǎo)經(jīng)驗。在教學(xué)上精益求精，激情洋溢，有高度的責(zé)任心，所教學(xué)生一次性過關(guān)率極高。現(xiàn)已出版多部英語專著，“黃金模板”系列更居同類圖書榜首。在蘇、浙、滬等地多所大學(xué)主持英語四六級講座及授課，深受學(xué)生歡迎。恩波學(xué)校六級網(wǎng)站版主，第一位在網(wǎng)上為全國學(xué)生免費(fèi)批改作文的老師，也是目前全國批改作文最多的老師。


貢獻(xiàn)范文精析之一我們一起寫作文吧！
為了與大家共同學(xué)習(xí)、一起進(jìn)步，我決定陸續(xù)推出三個作文板塊：范文精析、習(xí)作點(diǎn)評和寫作心得。范文精析供大家討論，以便共同進(jìn)步；習(xí)作點(diǎn)評是學(xué)生的作文，在修改之后我們一起來討論；寫作心得是我們就寫作教學(xué)和考試中共同關(guān)心的問題進(jìn)行思辨，盡可能討論地深入一些。
愿為恩波、為論壇的發(fā)展傾盡全力！大家共同進(jìn)步，是我最大的心愿！
萬事開頭難，今天我就先貼一篇，拋磚引玉吧！這是一篇考研作文，可能比四六級稍難，希望對大家能有借鑒意義，在看完之后希望敬請各位指教。

The Aging of Our Society

(1) 寫作要求
Directions: Study the following table carefully and write an essay entitled “The Aging of our Society”.
In the essay you should
1) describe the table,
2) give your comment on the phenomenon, and
3) suggest your solutions.
You should write about 200 words neatly on ANSWER SHEET 2.

Number and Percentage of Senior Citizens in our Country

Year Number of Senior Citizens Percentage
2002 132 million 10%
2015 200 million 14%
2050 400 million 25%

(2) 原稿
This table shows that our society is entering the era of aging society, or what we call sometimes, the silver society.
The aging society will bring many unfavorable consequences, with health care issue of the elder generation being the foremost one. With more and more members entering a senior age, the percentage of people in the main working force falls abruptly, thus it is more and more difficult for the social welfare system to function properly and effectively. Apart from the irreversible decaying of health, mental hazard may constitute more formidable a problem: loss of sense of security, identity and confidence may accelerate the aging process. Last but not the least, the silver society may trigger chain reactions in all phases and all social ladders, including family relationships, marriage and divorce, unemployment and reemployment as well as inheritance.
To battle the potential negative effects, several necessary steps should be taken: the chief task lies in taking care of the old people and help them take care of themselves. All the members in the society should join their hands in creating a favorable environment for the old people to live, fully aware of the fact that they will be old some day in the future. The old people themselves should never stop pursuing whatever they view as important in life since “It is not the years in your life, but the life in your years that counts”. Only in a reasonable, prosperous and healthy society can the old people hope to live a life in security and dignity, free from exploitation and discrimination.

(3) 修改稿
From the table we can see that the number of senior citizens will increase from 132 million this year to 200 million in 2015, and then to 400 million in 2050. Accordingly, the percentage will rise from 10% to 14%, and then to 25%. According to the standard of the United Nations, a society is defined as old when the senior citizens over 60 reach 10% of the whole population. Consequently this table shows that our society，following many western countries, is stepping into the era of the so-called “aging society”.
The aging phenomenon will bring many unfavorable consequences, with health care of the elder generation being the foremost. With more and more members entering a senior age, the percentage of people in the main working force falls abruptly, thus gradually preventing the traditional social welfare system from functioning properly and effectively. The transformation to a modern and more scientific system of social security, however, may take a relatively long period, bringing hope and pain at the same time. For the old people themselves, apart from the irreversible decaying of health, mental hazards may constitute a more formidable problem—loss of sense of security, identity and confidence may accelerate the aging process. Last but not least, aging poses an even greater threat to our country than to the developed world because we are aging before we become rich.
To battle the potential negative effects, several necessary steps should be taken: the chief task lies in taking care of the old people and helping them take care of themselves. All the members in the society should join their hands in creating a favorable environment for the old people. The old people themselves should never stop pursuing whatever they view as important in life since “It is not the years in your life, but the life in your years that counts”. Only in a reasonable, prosperous and healthy society can we hope to witness the ideal scene in which old people can enjoy their twilight to the uttermost.

(4) 點(diǎn)評
圖表題分為圖表（chart）、表格（table）、漫畫（cartoon）與照片（photograph）等類型，這道題目屬于表格類。所有的圖表題目除了圖表外，還包括詳細(xì)的指令；指令則包括文章的題目和提綱。少數(shù)時候指令中不含題目，這是考生不必為作文加上標(biāo)題。絕大多數(shù)提綱包括三個部分，是指導(dǎo)我們迅速構(gòu)建文章結(jié)構(gòu)的指南，不過有的時候提綱中會使用較為含混的字眼，如give your comment on the phenomenon。
圖表題大多涉及引人注目的社會現(xiàn)象。其中相當(dāng)一部分造成了負(fù)面的影響，甚至成為了嚴(yán)重的社會問題，這種情況大多可分為“描述——原因——辦法”和“描述——后果/影響——辦法”來寫。也就是說，如果提綱的第二部分使用“給出評論”的模糊說法，則可以寫原因或后果、影響。
這篇作文的主題是頗為引人關(guān)注的老齡化社會的問題。原稿的結(jié)構(gòu)非常清晰：文章分為三段，分別是從圖表中得出結(jié)論、指出老齡社會帶來的不良后果和提出為縮小負(fù)面影響而應(yīng)采取的措施。
下面來作具體的點(diǎn)評：
1）雖然對于圖表的描述可繁可簡，但原文第一段直接得出結(jié)論的做法欠妥。表格中列出了三個年度的數(shù)字和百分比，應(yīng)予描述。修改稿中的第一句和第二句就分別找描述了數(shù)字和百分比的增長；這里由于兩句較長，不適合用while將兩句話連成一句。修改稿的第三句用聯(lián)合國的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)顯得很權(quán)威，又正好與百分比相吻合。第四句承襲原文，用了The chart/table indicates/shows/suggests that…這一簡明句型，當(dāng)然這里還可使用語氣稍強(qiáng)一點(diǎn)的句型，如All the data in the table point to the fact that…。our society之后加上了插入語，顯示對發(fā)展中國家和發(fā)達(dá)國家的老齡化趨勢相當(dāng)了解；將entering改為stepping into更顯活潑；還是將silver society改回aging society為好，因為這并不是通行的用法，最初可能是某個新聞工作者在寫到日本老齡社會時自己造出來的“妙語”。aging還可寫作ageing，但在本文中為了統(tǒng)一，一直寫為aging。
2) 原稿第二段的第一句寫得很精彩，運(yùn)用了with引起的獨(dú)立分詞結(jié)構(gòu)來引出不良后果的第一點(diǎn)。第二句是對這一點(diǎn)的擴(kuò)充，原文對連環(huán)因果的處理不錯，如果在social welfare system前加上traditional就更好了。修改稿在此后加了一句來充實(shí)內(nèi)容，有諸多可以學(xué)習(xí)之處：system of social security之前用一個形容詞和一個形容詞的比較級來修飾，體現(xiàn)了平行之中的變化，建議大家在以后使用平行結(jié)構(gòu)的時候嘗試“平行——平行——變化”的高級模式；內(nèi)容上先說社保體制改革可能需要較長的一段時期，然后說它同時帶來了希望和痛苦，比較客觀。有的同學(xué)會問take a relatively long period這一詞組之后要不要加to take shape表示成形，實(shí)際上不妥，因為主語不是system（體系）而是transformation（轉(zhuǎn)形）。
3）原稿第二段的第三句（即修改稿的第四句）說的是第二個方面，也就是老年人的心理問題。句中irreversible表示“不可逆轉(zhuǎn)的”；accelerate表示“加速”，與the aging process搭配很貼切；more formidable a problem表示“更嚴(yán)重的問題”。
4）原稿第二段的第四句是說老人社會引發(fā)諸多問題（trigger和chain reaction用詞不錯），可是列舉的諸多方面卻不平行，給人繁亂的感覺。不如這里干脆不談家庭問題和就業(yè)問題，只說與發(fā)達(dá)國家相比較，說明我們“未富先老”這一令人憂慮的事實(shí)，這樣就直接從個人的層面說到社會的層面，結(jié)構(gòu)清楚。修改稿此段最后一句中的pose a threat to是個很好的詞組，意為“對…構(gòu)成威脅”。
5）原文的最后一段分四句，結(jié)構(gòu)安排恰當(dāng)：第一句寫最重要的事是照顧老年人和幫助他們照顧自己，第二句說社會所有成員應(yīng)為老年人創(chuàng)造良好的生活環(huán)境，第三句說老年人應(yīng)不斷追求生命中重要的東西，最后一句說只有在理性、繁榮和健康的社會里老年人才能幸福地度過晚年時光。
這一段也存在一些問題：第一句中的lie in表示“在于”，應(yīng)接兩個并列的動名詞作賓語，所以后面help應(yīng)改為helping。第二句中的join their hands in doing和be fully aware of the fact that…都是很好的結(jié)構(gòu)。這一句中的for the old people to live應(yīng)為to live in，實(shí)際上這里最好刪去to live in，因為語義有點(diǎn)重復(fù)。第三句中的whatever引起賓語從句非常引人注目，其后巧妙地將一句名言嵌在句子中。最后一句用only引起的部分倒裝，這種句型非常有效。句中用三個平行的形容詞修飾society。原文最后的“老年人希望生活在安全和尊嚴(yán)之中，沒有剝削和歧視”不如改為更為簡潔的方式。修改后的句中enjoy their twilight to the uttermost表示“盡情地享受晚年”，twilight原指“暮色”或“曙光”，這里指“人的暮年”。
縱觀全文，我們感到，寫作時思路要清楚，結(jié)構(gòu)要清晰。這不僅要體現(xiàn)在段與段之間，還要體現(xiàn)在段內(nèi)的組織上。語言在保證正確的基礎(chǔ)上，最高要出彩，這需要考生的表達(dá)盡量多一些變化。本文中詞語、詞組和句型有多個可學(xué)習(xí)的地方，大家要在平時多練習(xí)，力求熟練掌握。


選自《全國碩士研究生入學(xué)考試英語總復(fù)習(xí)與應(yīng)試指南》

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