四六級備考月寫作大作戰(zhàn)范文賞析
六級作文題目：
Directions: For thispart, you are allowed 30 minutes to write an essay commenting on the remark “When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success”. You can cite examples to illustrate your point. You should write at least 150 words but no more than 200 words.
滬友六級作文：
滬友ID：ymde11
The importance of success
As is known to all, it si of great difficulty to obtain success in our life, especially in the times of knowledge and high-technology exploration Although some contend that success can be decided by a good luck the majority of people believe that when people succeed, it is because of hard work ,luck has nothing to do with success.
There is no doubt that hard work take a significantly important part to success rather then fortune. The first and obvious reason is that every man is the architect of his own fortune. No one can require success without hard work. The reason second important reason should be considered that luck is not a certain factor in our life, to some extent, depending on luck indicates a lack of our skills and abilities. Last but not least success success favors those who use their diligence only by a diligent and hard process can we hope witness the ideal scene that we enjoy our success.
From my perspective, if we want to succeed, it is no choice but to hard work. Just like a old Chinese proverb says, hard work in yourself is the first step on the road to success. Therefore I insist that diligence can bring luck rather than waiting luck. We should pay our attention to hard work so that we can succeed and embrace a better tomorrow.
評分：10分
評語：切題，思路清楚，用詞和句式較豐富，能運用較多的復(fù)合句式和諺語等來使論證更有說服力，但是基本語法錯誤略多，不然可以成為最佳。如第一段有少了標(biāo)點符號；拼寫錯誤it si（it is），rather then（rather than），a (an) old Chinese proverb等；短語waiting luck（wait for sth.），require success（acquire success），還有一些句式的規(guī)范，it is no choice（there is no choice but to…）。此外字?jǐn)?shù)有點超過上限200字。
滬友ID：arashi0123
The Key to Succeed
Many people hold a thought that luck can lead to succeed. However, I do not agree with that. I deeply believe that luck may gives you a chance but the key to succeed must be hard working.
I totally agree a saying goes “Whenpeople succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success". Only a person works hard, can he succeed. For example, many college students do not study hard but hope themselves lucky enough to pass the final exam. This reminds me my rommate Kim. In a whole term, she do not preview before class or review after class so that she merely cannot answer others about what she have learnt. When final exam comes, she make a blessing for luck. Finally, she failed the exam. Therefore, luck could not help you but hard working is the most important thing for seccess.
All in all, success depends on how much efforts you have made. If you wanna succeed, you should keep hard working.
評分：9分
評語：切題，思路清晰，文字較通順，有一些基本語言錯誤。特別注意三單形式和時態(tài)，luck may gives（give） you，情態(tài)動詞后面加動詞原形；第二段引用Kim例子時應(yīng)該用過去式，she do not 和she make錯誤；正確運用短語agree（agree with sth.），remind（remind sb. of sth./sb.）。
滬友ID：阿青l(xiāng)inda
優(yōu)秀范文：The key to success
As a saying goes "when people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success. "In other words, hard work is more important than luck in the successful way. Simple as the sentence may sound, it conveys a thought-provoking notion that the key to success lies on hard work.
The example of Edision, who was known as a diligent scientist, is a case in point. To invent the electric lamp, he devoted himself to working day and night for a long time. Have Suffered from enormous fatigue, he never gave up. Then he finally achieved his goal. Thanks to the effort of Edision, we now can make full use of electricity very well. At the same time, he also set a good example for us in attaining success.
In short, hard work is essential if we desire to gain success. Only in this way can we have a successful future.
評分：12分
評語：切題，表達(dá)思想清楚，文字通順，基本上無語言錯誤，僅有個別小錯。
第一段運用In other words來簡單解釋題干的那句話，然后開門見山地引出自身觀點；第二段引用愛迪生的事例來支撐自己的觀點，論據(jù)充分，邏輯清楚；第三段總結(jié)，強調(diào)hard work對于成功的重要性。
建議：愛迪生應(yīng)該是Edison而不是Edision，第二段中Have Suffered from enormous fatigue, he never gave up.應(yīng)該改成Having suffered from enormous fatigue, he never gave up.。如果是四級作文本篇作文完全可以得最高分，但是針對六級的水平，可以嘗試豐富用詞，運用較復(fù)雜的句式來提高整篇文章的水平。
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