When you’re a nice person, conflict can be a real challenge. Not that mean people are any better at conflict; they just enjoy it more.
如果你一直待人友好，那么當(dāng)你遇到矛盾的時候，確實(shí)是一個很大的挑戰(zhàn)。這不意味著刻薄的人們更能應(yīng)對矛盾的發(fā)生，只是因為他們更樂在其中。

How you handle conflict determines the amount of trust, respect, and connection you have with your colleagues.
你處理矛盾的方式就決定了你與你同事之間的信任、尊重以及聯(lián)系程度。

Conflict typically boils down to moments when the stakes are high, emotions run strong and opinions differ. And you cannot master these moments without a high degree of emotional intelligence (EQ).
一般來說矛盾產(chǎn)生于事情嚴(yán)重性大、情緒緊張以及觀點(diǎn)不一致的時候，若你沒有高水平的情商就很難處理這些情況。

With a mastery of conflict being so critical to your success, it’s no wonder that, among the million-plus people that Talent Smart has given an emotional intelligence test, more than 90% of top performers have high EQs.
既然處理矛盾的能力對個人成功是如此至關(guān)重要的，那么也難怪，在超過百萬人參與的，由Talent Smart公司開展的一項情商測試顯示，超過百分之九十的頂尖表現(xiàn)者都有著高水平的情商。

New research from Columbia University shows that how you handle conflict can make or break your career. The researchers measured something scientifically that many of us have seen firsthand—people who are too aggressive in conflict situations harm their performance by upsetting and alienating their peers, while people who are too passive at handling conflict hinder their ability to reach their goals.
來自哥倫比亞大學(xué)的最新研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，一個人處理矛盾的方式將會成就或損害個人的事業(yè)。研究人員們利用科學(xué)方法測量了某些我們可能曾經(jīng)親眼看見的東西——在矛盾出現(xiàn)的時候，那些過于好斗的人們將會因其打擊和離間同伴的行為損害自己的工作表現(xiàn)，而那些過于被動的人們則會阻礙他們達(dá)到目標(biāo)的能力。

The secret to effective handling of conflict is assertiveness—that delicate place where you get your needs met without bullying the other person into submission. Assertive people strike a careful balance between passivity and aggression (that is, they never lean too far in either direction).
有效處理矛盾的秘訣就是果斷——既能達(dá)到目的又不會逼迫他人屈服的微妙之處。果斷的人能夠在被動和好斗之間找到最精確的平衡點(diǎn)（也就是，他們絕不會太偏向任何一方）。

How To Handle Conflict Assertively
如何果斷自信地應(yīng)對矛盾

It’s easy to think that nice people are too passive. While that’s often true, unchecked passivity can boil over into aggression. So there are plenty of very nice people out there who have exhibited both extremes of the assertiveness spectrum.
不難想象，友好的人都總是太被動。雖然這種情況通常是真的，不過未受限制的被動也有可能演變成好斗。所以有好多待人友好的人也會展示出果斷度量衡上的兩個極端的性格。

To be assertive, you need to learn to engage in healthy conflict. Healthy conflict directly and constructively addresses the issue at hand without ignoring or trivializing the needs of either party. The strategies that follow will get you there.
為了變得更堅定而自信，你必須學(xué)會參與到健康的矛盾當(dāng)中。健康的矛盾處理并有建設(shè)性地突出當(dāng)前的問題，既不會忽略或降低某一方需求的重要性。以下的策略能夠幫助你達(dá)到這個境界。

1. Consider the repercussions of silence.
1. 想想沉默不語的影響。

Sometimes it’s hard to muster the motivation to speak up when the likelihood is high that things will turn ugly. The fastest way to motivate yourself to act is to fully consider the costs of not speaking up—they’re typically far greater than not standing up for yourself. The trick is that you need to shift your attention away from the headache that will come with getting involved to all of the things you stand to gain from your assertiveness.
有時候，我們很難在事情可能變得更糟的時候集中情緒大聲說出來。激勵自己行動的最快捷方式就是充分考慮不大聲說出來的代價——通常來說遠(yuǎn)比不為自己發(fā)聲更大。技巧在于你需要把自己的注意力轉(zhuǎn)移過來，從可能會陷入所有事情帶來的頭疼轉(zhuǎn)移到站起來因果斷發(fā)聲的收獲。

2. Say “and” instead of “but.”?
2.說“以及”而不是“但是”。

The simple act of replacing the word “but” with “and” makes conflict much more constructive and collaborative. Say, for example, that your teammate John wants to use the majority of your budget on a marketing campaign, but you’re worried that doing so won’t leave enough money for a critical new hire. Instead of saying, “I see that you want to use the money for marketing, but I think we need to make a new hire,” say “I see that you want to use the money for marketing, and I think we need to make a new hire.” The difference is subtle, but the first sentence minimizes the value of his idea. The second sentence states the problem as you see it, without devaluing his idea, which then opens things up for discussion. Saying “and” makes the other party feel like you’re working with them, rather than against them.
簡單地把“但是”換為“以及”將會使得矛盾變得有建設(shè)性、有合作性多了。比如，你的團(tuán)隊同事John想要使用你的大部分預(yù)算來參與一場營銷戰(zhàn)爭，但是你擔(dān)心這么做就不能留下足夠的資金來招聘一位重要的新員工了。與其說“我了解你想要利用這筆資金進(jìn)行推廣，但是我想我們需要招聘一位新人，”而應(yīng)該說“我了解你想要利用這筆資金進(jìn)行推廣，并且我覺得我們需要招聘一位新人”。這兩句話的差別雖然很微小，但是第一句把他本人的想法的重要性降低了。第二句話陳述問題的形式就像你所看到的，沒有降低了他的想法的重要性，也為后續(xù)的討論打開的通道。說“以及”能夠讓對方感到你正在與他/她合作，而不是搞對抗。

3. Use hypotheticals.
3. 使用假設(shè)性說法。

When you assert yourself, you don’t want it to look like you’re poking holes in their idea (even when you are). Hypotheticals are the perfect way to pull this off. Telling someone, for example, “Your new product idea won’t work because you overlooked how the sales team operates” comes across much more aggressively than suggesting the hypothetical, “How do you think our sales team will go about selling this new product?” When you see a flaw and present a hypothetical, you’re engaging with the original idea and giving the other party a chance to explain how it might work. This shows that you’re willing to hear the other person out.
當(dāng)你為自己堅定發(fā)聲，你不希望看起來在挑別人的刺（即使你真的是這樣的時候）。使用假設(shè)性的說法就能完美地避免這個雷區(qū)了。比如說，你告訴某人“你的新產(chǎn)品概念行不通因為你忽略了銷售隊伍的運(yùn)營方式”這樣只會讓人感到非常挑釁，倒不如假設(shè)“你認(rèn)為如果我們采取了這種方式銷售新產(chǎn)品，我們的銷售團(tuán)隊的適應(yīng)性如何？”當(dāng)你發(fā)現(xiàn)了一個缺點(diǎn)，并且提出一個假設(shè)，你就在參與到最初的概念當(dāng)作并且為對方提供一個解釋新點(diǎn)子運(yùn)作的機(jī)會。這樣顯示出你很愿意聽取別人的意見。

4. Don’t speak in absolutes (“You Always” or “You Never”).
4. 語氣切忌過于絕對（“你總是”或“你永遠(yuǎn)都不”）。

No one always or never does anything. People don’t see themselves as one-dimensional, so you shouldn’t attempt to define them as such. Using these phrases during conflict makes people defensive and closed off to your message. Instead, point out what the other person did that’s a problem for you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of the behavior is an issue, you can always say, “It seems like you do this often.” or “You do this often enough for me to notice.”
沒有人總會或總不會做某種事情。沒有人會覺得自己是膚淺的人，所以你不要試圖給對方下這么一個標(biāo)簽。在發(fā)生矛盾的時候使用這樣的詞匯只會引起人們的防備心并且拒絕接收你的信息。與其指出對方使你不爽的地方，倒不如用事實(shí)說法。如果這種行為常常出現(xiàn)，使你困惑，你可以這么說“似乎你常常這么做。”或“你做這件事的頻率太高了，連我都注意到了?！?/div>

5. Ask good questions until you get to the heart of the matter.
5. 學(xué)會提問，直達(dá)問題的核心。

Failing to understand the motive behind someone’s behavior throws fuel on the fire of conflict, because it makes everything they do appear foolish and shortsighted. Instead of pointing out flaws, you should seek to understand where the other person is coming from. Try asking good questions, such as Why did you choose to do it that way? What do you mean by that? and Can you help me to understand this better? Even when you don’t see eye to eye, using questions to get to the underlying motive builds trust and understanding, both of which are conflict killers.
無法理解某人行為背后的動機(jī)則會給矛盾火上加油，因為這樣使得對方做的任何事情看起來愚蠢不堪，目光短淺。與其指出對方的缺點(diǎn)，你應(yīng)該嘗試?yán)斫鈱Ψ降某霭l(fā)點(diǎn)。嘗試提問不容易回答的問題，比如“你為什么會選擇這個方法？”“你這么做的出發(fā)點(diǎn)是什么？”以及“你能不能跟我解釋一下這個方法？”即使你們無法意見一直，也可以利用問題直達(dá)隱藏的動機(jī)，建立起信任與理解，這兩種都能化解矛盾。

6. When you challenge, offer solutions.
6. 當(dāng)你提出質(zhì)疑的時候，請?zhí)峁┙鉀Q方案。

People don’t like it when they feel as if you’re attempting to take apart their idea right off the bat. When you challenge someone’s idea, but also offer a solution, you demonstrate that you want to work together to come up with a fix. This reinforces the value of their idea, even if it’s full of holes. For example, you might say “One potential problem that I see with your idea is ___. However, I think we can overcome this problem if we can just figure out a way to___.” In this example, you aren’t even providing the solution. You’re just acknowledging that you’re willing to work together to find one.
人們都不喜歡那種你想要把他們的點(diǎn)子馬上捏碎的感覺。如果你對某人的點(diǎn)子存在質(zhì)疑，請記得同時提供一個解決方案，你要表明自己希望跟對方一起尋找解決方法。這樣能夠增強(qiáng)對方點(diǎn)子的價值，即使點(diǎn)子滿是漏洞。比如，你可以這么說“對于你的點(diǎn)子，我發(fā)現(xiàn)了一個潛在的問題，那就是——，然而，我想我們可以解決它，如果我們能夠想到一個——的方法?！痹谶@個例子里，你甚至并不是提供解決的方法，你在承認(rèn)著你很愿意跟別人共同努力尋找解決方法的意愿。

Bringing It All Together
綜上所述

Mastering conflict requires emotional intelligence. Emotionally intelligent people know how to craft their message in a conflict, whether they’re naturally assertive or not. They take other people’s feelings into account while still asserting themselves confidently.
處理矛盾需要情緒智商。高情商的人知道如何在矛盾之中傳遞自己的信息，無論他們本人是否性格果斷。他們會考慮別人的感受，同時也能自信地為自己發(fā)聲。

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