雷人故事：丟了貓咪千萬(wàn)別找設(shè)計(jì)師

From: Shannon Walkley

To: David Thorne

I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not too busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have. Her name is Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. She got lost on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks.

From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)

To: 大衛(wèi)

大衛(wèi)啊！我家的咪細(xì)昨天從紗門跑出去就不見(jiàn)了。你要是不太忙的話，看著辦給我做個(gè)尋貓啟示吧！用A4紙嗷，我把“尋貓啟示”貼到地鐵口去。我就你一個(gè)設(shè)計(jì)師朋友，只能靠你啦?。?/p>

這是我家咪細(xì)，我就那么一張照片，毛是黑白相間的，8個(gè)月大，你給做一下吧??！萬(wàn)謝萬(wàn)謝！

From: David Thorne
To: Shannon Walkley

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder on tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.

From:大衛(wèi)
To: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)

鄉(xiāng) 農(nóng)！我很震驚！還好我坐在椅子上看你的郵件，要是剛才爬樹的時(shí)候看，我非得摔下來(lái)不可。你沒(méi)事吧？節(jié)哀順變……你能繼續(xù)工作實(shí)在太牛了！想想你家咪細(xì)獨(dú)自在外流離失所飽經(jīng)風(fēng)霜風(fēng)餐露宿煢煢孑立形影相吊，我的心肝兒?jiǎn)?！沒(méi)準(zhǔn)她還在那扯著細(xì)小的嗓子叫“鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)，鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)，阿拉想儂了……”
雖然老子手里還有一堆活，不過(guò)，我現(xiàn)在就給你弄這個(gè)東西，兄弟的事，一定要挺的?。?！

（小編提示：為了保證趣味性，小編稍微修改了部分譯文，和英文原文不吻合之處敬請(qǐng)諒解。）

貓咪真相照

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Yeah ok thanks. I know you don't like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)
To: 大衛(wèi)

大衛(wèi)，俺淚奔鳥！我曉得你不太喜歡貓的，但我真的很擔(dān)心?。。。?shí)在是麻煩你了，我下午1點(diǎn)就要出去了。

From: David Thorne
To: Shannon Walkley

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.

From: 大衛(wèi)
To: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)

啊呀，鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)?。∥疑稌r(shí)候說(shuō)過(guò)不喜歡貓了呢？有一次我去個(gè)party，花了老價(jià)錢買了雙G-star的靴子，實(shí)在是太貴了！！！不過(guò)我灰常喜歡，所以雖然小了2個(gè)號(hào)我還是買了。那么小的鞋，我連襪子都不能穿，連腳趾甲都剪了……
那地方很近，我就走過(guò)去了，到那里的時(shí)候，囧啊我的腳都沒(méi)知覺(jué)了，我啪得一聲摔在一個(gè)人身上，飲料灑他一身，那哥們兒就沖過(guò)來(lái)打了我一頓……你說(shuō)這人為了條美特斯邦威他至于么?。?！
后來(lái)，這哥們兒坐到個(gè)貓上面，那貓一下子就怒了，亂搞一氣還在那人腦袋上灑了泡尿??！啊哈哈哈哈哈，太解氣了！那個(gè)貓我喜歡！

那個(gè)尋貓啟示做出來(lái)了，不要謝我哦！

（小編提示：為了保證趣味性，小編稍微修改了部分譯文，和英文原文不吻合之處敬請(qǐng)諒解。）

電影海報(bào)版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Yeah that's not what I was looking for at all. It looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)
To: 大衛(wèi)

大衛(wèi)啊，這個(gè)咋那么像電影海報(bào)呢……我要的不是長(zhǎng)這樣的，普通一點(diǎn)就好了。而且咪細(xì)咋那么小呢……

From: David Thorne
To: Shannon Walkley

Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

From: 大衛(wèi)
To: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)

鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)啊，設(shè)計(jì)的事情你就不懂了。這代表你家咪細(xì)迷失在了另一個(gè)空間。

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)
To: 大衛(wèi)

你不是吧你?。?！我昨天哭了一晚沒(méi)睡，都傷心死了！你以為很好玩是不是。你就不能做得普通一點(diǎn)么？求求你把照片弄大點(diǎn)，文字通俗點(diǎn)，再來(lái)點(diǎn)彩色吧??！

From: David Thorne
To: Shannon Walkley

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)
To: 大衛(wèi)

鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)！我好歹也干了幾年設(shè)計(jì)師了！我原本以為你是很理解我的！
告訴你吧，我們不歡迎你這種建議，就像我不會(huì)去你家教你怎么發(fā)郵件、怎么翻墻。
哎，算了，我就當(dāng)你為了你家咪細(xì)的事情太過(guò)桑心算了。都那么多年朋友了，就幫你改下吧！

（小編提示：為了保證趣味性，小編稍微修改了部分譯文，和英文原文不吻合之處敬請(qǐng)諒解。）

獨(dú)眼貓版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)
To: 大衛(wèi)

喂喂喂?。。。∵@比之前那個(gè)還要不好！你就不能把咪細(xì)的全身放出來(lái)么？咪細(xì)失蹤這幾個(gè)字太蠢了！就不能寫個(gè)“LOST”么？

（小編提示：為了保證趣味性，小編稍微修改了部分譯文，和英文原文不吻合之處敬請(qǐng)諒解。）

《LOST》版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)
To: 大衛(wèi)

= =！大衛(wèi)你到底會(huì)不會(huì)設(shè)計(jì)啊你！
我就要五樣?xùn)|西：照片，“咪細(xì)”，“LOST”，我電話，啥時(shí)候走丟的。

那些個(gè)電影海報(bào)神馬的不要給我，我今天必須早點(diǎn)出門。我想如果是你的貓走丟的話我也會(huì)幫你的，所以求求你了好吧！

From: David Thorne
To: Shannon Walkley

I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.

From: 大衛(wèi)
To: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)

兄弟你知道的，我不養(yǎng)貓的。上次一哥們兒讓我?guī)退疹櫵业呢垼野沿垘Щ丶液缶腿酉渥永锞统院壤龆疾还芰恕恢芎?，我那哥們兒回?lái)問(wèn)我討那貓了，我只好假裝不在我不在家，然后把那箱子給他郵過(guò)去了。話說(shuō)我一不小心郵票沒(méi)貼夠搞得他還另外付了18美元囧。所以說(shuō)啊，人有的時(shí)候要拿得起放得下啊……

你的要求我已經(jīng)幫你改好了，你就看看吧。

（小編提示：為了保證趣味性，小編稍微修改了部分譯文，和英文原文不吻合之處敬請(qǐng)諒解。）

換主角版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

That's not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)
To: 大衛(wèi)

！?。。∵@是誰(shuí)家的鬼貓?。。?！你這照片哪兒整來(lái)的？咋這毛染成橘黃色的了？我不是給你我家咪細(xì)的PP了么。

From:?David Thorne
To:?Shannon Walkley

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Regards, David.

From:?大衛(wèi)
From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)

我當(dāng)然知道，不過(guò)這個(gè)更可愛(ài)一點(diǎn)嘛！外面那么危險(xiǎn)，你家咪細(xì)多半是不行了！干脆你到時(shí)候按照這個(gè)換一只。
而且，要是有人打電話給你說(shuō)：“我沒(méi)看見(jiàn)這只橘毛的，我就看見(jiàn)有只黑白相間的被車碾過(guò)，斷了后腳，你要不要？”你就可以拒絕他，這能省老大一筆錢?。?！

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)
To: 大衛(wèi)

大哥，我求求你了……你放我給你的那張照片吧……

（小編提示：為了保證趣味性，小編稍微修改了部分譯文，和英文原文不吻合之處敬請(qǐng)諒解。）

天價(jià)版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

I didn't say there was a reward. I don't have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)
To: 大衛(wèi)

喂喂喂我神馬時(shí)候說(shuō)過(guò)有賞金了啊。我哪兒來(lái)的2000刀??！你賣了我得了……所以好哥們兒你幫我把這“懸賞”給撤了吧= =

（小編提示：為了保證趣味性，小編稍微修改了部分譯文，和英文原文不吻合之處敬請(qǐng)諒解。）

無(wú)賞金版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)
To: 大衛(wèi)

你就不能別管有沒(méi)有賞金了啊……求你了，我就剩10分鐘了……

（小編提示：為了保證趣味性，小編稍微修改了部分譯文，和英文原文不吻合之處敬請(qǐng)諒解。）

小紅帽版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Fine. That will have to do.

From: 鄉(xiāng)農(nóng)
To: 大衛(wèi)

好吧
就這樣吧，我認(rèn)了……

（小編提示：為了保證趣味性，小編稍微修改了部分譯文，和英文原文不吻合之處敬請(qǐng)諒解。）