四六級備考月寫作大作戰(zhàn)范文賞析
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四級作文題目：
Directions: For thispart, you are allowed 30 minutes to write an essay. You should start your essaywith a brief description of the picture and then express your views onwater pollution. You should write at least 120 words but no more than 180 words.
滬友四級作文：
滬友ID：卿小萱
In this picture it show us about two fishes dialogue. We can know the water was not so fresh because the fishes can't live in there more than three days.
From this short dialogue in picture we need though, why fish want to told other fishes can't use the water. It was obviously that the water was been polluted.
Nowadays, with the country develop, lots of factory in order to get much money and more convenient, then put the water that was polluted into the river.
Water is the source of full life. We need clean water,so do animals.
Why we so selfish to make little money then make the water dirty. It also harmful for us. We should tell everyone protect animals is also means protect us.
評分：4分
評語：基本切題，連貫性差，大部分句子都有錯誤，有較多的嚴重語言錯誤，如第一句it是第三人稱單數(shù)，后面的動詞show應(yīng)該是shows，且用法是show sb. sth.，about不需要；第二段的兩句話都存在語法錯誤，want to told ，was been polluted等；一些句子缺少謂語，如It also harmful for us。
滬友ID：零夕靜
water pollution
As is vividly showed in the picture, a fish told to another fish the water of sea can't be used for three days and hope each fish knows that then to leave there. The implied meaning of the picture should be taken into account seriously. Then the reason is that the human pollute the water and at last fishes have no place to live.
In my opinion, we need take some measures to reduce water pollution. To begin with that, we know some factories sewage in the river in order to saving more money. So the government should make the law to impose restrictions on the factories' discharge capacity. Secondly, we should have a award of protecting the water. In our daily life, we should use the detergent without phosphorus and so on.
The social problem has arisen the great concern in our whole world. We must pay more attention this problems after days . At last, I hope everyone can protect our water everyday. Because water is most important for human.
評分：9分
評語：切題，表達思路清楚，文字連貫，但有好幾處語法錯誤和表達不規(guī)范，如首句中show的過去分詞形式是shown；第二段award前的不定冠詞應(yīng)該是an而不是a，in order to do 接的應(yīng)該是動詞原形save；第三段pay attention to是固定用法，這里漏了to，而且this后面接的名詞應(yīng)該是單數(shù)的，after days放在這不合適，整句話可以換成We must pay more attention to this problem from now on。
滬友ID：ltqwer123
優(yōu)秀范文：Water pollution
As can be clearly seen form the cartoon, one fish say "do not use the water for three days, tell the others". This picture tells us vividly that the water pollution is very serious.
What has caused this problem? It seems to me that there are several reasons as follows. Frist of all, someone throw the rubbish to the river. What's more, many factories were built, which caused a large number of industrial pollution. Last but not the least, the major citizens don't realize the seriousness of the phenomenon.
In view of the seriousness of the phenomenon, effictive measures should be taken. On on hand, it is high time that people all over China realized the seriousness of the phenomenon.On the other hand the government should issue laws and regulations to put the situation under control. Only in those way can successfully solve the problem.
評分：13分
評語：切題，表達思路清楚，文字通順，連貫性較好，僅有個別語言錯誤。
經(jīng)典的三段論，圍繞題干的主題展開。首段從描述圖片信息出發(fā)引出本文中心the water pollution，第二段首句點出本段大意，闡釋造成水污染的原因，運用連接詞Frist of all，What's more 和Last but not the least來引出三點論據(jù)具體說明原因。第三段提出可采取的措施，也是運用連接詞on one hand，on the other hand引出兩點措施，中間能運用一些豐富的短語和句式增加邏輯性。
建議：注意一些單詞的拼寫，effictive應(yīng)該是effective，On on hand應(yīng)該是on one hand；還有最基本的三單形式，one fish say ，someone throw都是不正確的；the major citizens應(yīng)該是想表達“大部分的公民”，可改成the majority of citizens；最后一個句子用倒裝的形式很好，但是句子有錯誤，應(yīng)該是Only in those ways can the problem be successfully solved.
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