One of my friends keeps talking about leaving his wife. The two of them are great together when they're good. But they stink when they're bad.
我有一個(gè)朋友一直在說要離開他的妻子。這對(duì)夫妻好的時(shí)候如膠似漆，不好的時(shí)候相互嫌棄。

In a recent article on?the five stages of relationships, I wrote about getting to stage five, where "being together is based on shared purpose rather than need."
在最近的一篇“愛情的五個(gè)階段”的文章中，我寫到走向感情的第五階段應(yīng)該是“兩個(gè)人在一起是因?yàn)楣餐哪繕?biāo)而不是彼此需要?！?/div>

My friend spends a lot of time in stage three, which is about loss of freedom. Over the years, small annoyances became big issues as hidden agendas came out. Now he feels resentful and is often in a power struggle with his wife. And he knows exactly what she "can't tolerate," so he has a well-stocked?black bag?of emotional missiles to throw at her.
而我的朋友很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間都停留在第三階段：失去自由。這些年來，隨著不斷出現(xiàn)的新問題，雞毛蒜皮的小爭(zhēng)吵演變成無可救藥的大問題?，F(xiàn)在，他常常感到惱怒，并且經(jīng)常與妻子陷入激烈的爭(zhēng)吵。而且他清楚知道什么是她“無法忍受”的，所以他心里積壓著一大筐憤怒的情緒炮彈隨時(shí)可能投向妻子。

He could instead perceive his wife as a mirror, giving him a reflection of himself. What would that mean? Every time he sees her best -- she's kind, smart, creative, funny, a good mother and a devoted wife -- he could acknowledge that these great qualities are active in him and that's how he drew the best out of her.
他將妻子看做是自己的一面鏡子，反應(yīng)出他自己。什么意思呢？每次當(dāng)他看到妻子好的一面：她善良，聰明，有創(chuàng)意，風(fēng)趣，并且是一個(gè)好媽媽和好妻子。他認(rèn)為這些好的品質(zhì)也是他自己的體現(xiàn)，這是他理解的妻子最美好的畫面。

And every time he sees her worst, he could acknowledge that it's also active in him and she's just mirroring it. But instead of remembering that his problems are with him and not with others, he wishes she would be different.
而每次當(dāng)他看到妻子不好的一面時(shí)，他也認(rèn)為是自己的體現(xiàn)。但與其記住這些問題是因?yàn)楹退谝黄甬a(chǎn)生的，而不是和其他人，他倒是更希望她能夠有所區(qū)別。

Wishing that she would change won't produce positive change. Focusing on what's working -- how they are great together when they're good -- could turn the situation around.
期待她改變也并不能讓她有積極的改變。關(guān)注著能夠起作用的事情——即他們?cè)谝黄鸬拿篮谩軌蚴骨闆r好轉(zhuǎn)。

We tend to think that being to gether equates with knowing each other well, especially over a long period. But unless we make an effort to keep things fresh, it's easy to slip into the fourth stage?, where there's a sense of loss and a tendency to give up and drift apart.
我們喜歡認(rèn)為在一起等于很好的了解彼此，尤其是在經(jīng)過很長(zhǎng)一段時(shí)間后。但除非我們不斷努力保持新鮮感，則很容易滑入第四階段，一種失去的感覺并且很可能導(dǎo)致分手。

So how can we get to stage five, and how can we maintain it?
那么怎樣才能到達(dá)第五階段，怎樣維持一段關(guān)系？

One way is through Marathon Talking. Two people take turns talking for 48 hours. One talks for 24 hours while the other listens. Then they switch places.
方法之一就是通過馬拉松式的聊天。兩個(gè)人在48小時(shí)里輪流說話。一個(gè)人說24小時(shí)，另一個(gè)人聽，然后另一個(gè)人說24小時(shí)，一個(gè)人聽。

It sounds extreme. It?is. And it?works.
聽起來很極端，沒錯(cuò)，但也很管用。

The speaking partner can share whatever he or she wants -- life stories, memories, turning points, fears, hopes, goals. The topic doesn't matter because, about five or six hours in, when it seems as if everything has been said, some kind of magic happens where both partners stop struggling to be accepted and understood.
說話的一方可以分享任何他或她想說的：人生故事，回憶，轉(zhuǎn)折點(diǎn)，恐懼，希望，目標(biāo)。談話主題并不重要，因?yàn)榇蠹s五六小時(shí)的時(shí)間，好像什么都已經(jīng)說了，這時(shí)奇跡便發(fā)生了，兩個(gè)人不再糾結(jié)，他們開始接受，開始理解彼此。

It sounds like a lot of work and perhaps impossible to manage. Actually, it's a gift – to listen?devotedly to a loved one for 24 hours -- and then to?share?lovingly and unreservedly for 24 hours.
聽起來很麻煩且也許不太可能。實(shí)際上，它是一件禮物——完全傾聽另一半24小時(shí)，深情款款毫無保留地與另一半分享24小時(shí)。

48 hours of exclusive positive attention is an extraordinary, luxury, unheard of in this unrelenting world. A new kind of communication takes place, where people begin relating from their hearts instead of their heads. And it's a rare opportunity for both partners to understand who the other person truly is.
在這個(gè)無情的世界里，保持48小時(shí)積極專注的關(guān)注是非凡的、奢侈的，也是前所未聞的。一種新的友善的交流方式正在發(fā)生，人們開始關(guān)注他們的心聲而不是思維。而且對(duì)于兩個(gè)人來說，是可以真正了解對(duì)方的難得機(jī)會(huì)。