滬江小編：BEC考生練習(xí)寫作時(shí)，看范文會(huì)不知道自己的問(wèn)題在哪里，自己寫的作文也不知道該如何改進(jìn)，下面是兩篇范文和詳細(xì)的點(diǎn)評(píng)，說(shuō)不定也能發(fā)現(xiàn)自己練習(xí)時(shí)的問(wèn)題。

筆者上商務(wù)英語(yǔ)的課已經(jīng)有些年頭了。個(gè)人的體會(huì)是，商務(wù)英語(yǔ)課程以其務(wù)實(shí)、針對(duì)性強(qiáng)而受到學(xué)生的青睞，近年來(lái)報(bào)考的學(xué)生數(shù)明顯大幅上升。當(dāng)然要得高分也不易，尤其是作文部分，由于BEC寫作和我們傳統(tǒng)的作文考試題要求相差較大，學(xué)生比較難以適應(yīng)。

本文通過(guò)對(duì)BEC中級(jí)考生文章的分析，給廣大考生一點(diǎn)備考建議。

首先一點(diǎn)，我們必須牢記，歸根結(jié)底，BEC作文考察的還是考生英語(yǔ)表達(dá)能力。所以學(xué)生并不需要擔(dān)心自己缺乏這方面的實(shí)際經(jīng)驗(yàn)是否會(huì)影響考場(chǎng)發(fā)揮。(順便提一句，BEC高級(jí)對(duì)商務(wù)知識(shí)的要求大大提高，因此考生要在語(yǔ)言功底上苦下功夫。比如說(shuō)，寫商務(wù)報(bào)告的固定格式和用于必須牢記在心。)

與此同時(shí)，試題結(jié)合商務(wù)實(shí)戰(zhàn)的特點(diǎn)，要求文章必須包含特定信息點(diǎn)，或者是通過(guò)提供信息源，以及考題中的標(biāo)注，規(guī)定考生寫作的具體范圍和內(nèi)容。所以審題是關(guān)鍵，所有已知條件都必須充分利用，換言之，如果遺漏已知條件，就會(huì)因信息表達(dá)不完整而導(dǎo)致失分。以下是對(duì)我的一名學(xué)員習(xí)文進(jìn)行點(diǎn)評(píng)。

PART ONE

You have been informed that next Wednesday your company's computer system will be closed down so that improvements can be made.

Write an email to all staff in your department:
? saying what time on Wednesday the system will be closed down
? suggesting how staff should prepare for this
? saying how the system will be better after the improvements

Write 40--50 words

學(xué)生作文：

From: Jenny Xu
To: All Staff
Date: 5 April 2009
Subject: Computer System

I want to tell you that our Intranet based on Linux will be closed next Wednesday at 10 o’clock.. I want to suggesting that you should save all your important documents. The computer system will be faster because we will use a newer SAP system. The new system is according to ISO900 and we will benefit from that.

作文解析：

BEC作文解答時(shí)，審題非常重要。題目中給出的要求就好比是解代數(shù)題中已知條件，都要用到。小作文處理的時(shí)候，大家不妨可以把每一個(gè)已知條件擴(kuò)寫成一句句句子，同時(shí)兼顧句子之間的連接。

通常學(xué)生犯的錯(cuò)誤是：

1. 漏掉題中給出的已知條件。
2. 給出的已知條件沒(méi)有表達(dá)清楚，用詞過(guò)于口語(yǔ)化，沒(méi)有條理，暴露出語(yǔ)言功底薄弱。
3. 切忌過(guò)于花哨的發(fā)揮，多說(shuō)多錯(cuò)。

這篇學(xué)生的作品是比較典型的案例。作者有一定的英語(yǔ)表達(dá)能力和工作經(jīng)驗(yàn)，但文章中所暴露出來(lái)的不足也是明顯的。寫作不能從細(xì)處下筆，而是先要搭建框架。

以這篇習(xí)文為例，作者在具體語(yǔ)言的表達(dá)的雕琢上可圈可點(diǎn)，比如說(shuō)第一個(gè)句子中based on引導(dǎo)的過(guò)去分詞做后置定語(yǔ)，但是顯而忘記了這篇文章的主要目的，那就是通知同事公司電腦系統(tǒng)要升級(jí)，但update這個(gè)詞始終沒(méi)有在文章中出現(xiàn)，因此讀下來(lái)以后，可能同事還不是非常清楚，為什么computer system will be closed down, 盡管后面提到了improvement，總讓人覺(jué)得有些如鯁在咽，言之不盡;因此，思路不清晰是這篇習(xí)文最大的問(wèn)題。

此外，本文還有以下一些問(wèn)題：

1. 有些用詞過(guò)于口語(yǔ)化，比如說(shuō)，文章開頭, I want to tell you, 文中you should save這樣的用語(yǔ);
2. 建議Linux, 將SAP, ISO900等唬人術(shù)語(yǔ)統(tǒng)統(tǒng)除去，誠(chéng)然BEC涉及到基本的商務(wù)知識(shí)，但是真正考核的還是語(yǔ)言功底，語(yǔ)用能力;商務(wù)知識(shí)好比是蓋澆飯里面的小炒而已。
3.里面還有一個(gè)明顯的語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，I want to suggesting….，當(dāng)然閱卷者不會(huì)刻意去搜尋語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，而是綜合考量語(yǔ)法得分，但由于小作文篇幅較短，那么這個(gè)錯(cuò)誤就顯得非常明顯。

范文：

Please be informed that our computer system will be closed next Wednesday at 12 o'clock for system upgrade. The closure will last for at least two hours. Make sure that you have saved all your documents before that time. The whole system will run on a new server, much faster than the current one.

PART TWO

You work for PJT Ltd, a manufacturing company. You need more staff in your department and your line manager has asked you to write a report explaining why.

Look at the information below, on which you have already made some handwritten notes.Then, using all your handwritten notes, write your report.

Write 120-140 words.

學(xué)生作文：

The purpose of this report is to explain why we need more staff in our department.
We compare the number of staff in our department between 2001 and 2003, it only increased five staff. But the average number of ordered units grow up from 200000 to 400000 between 2001 and 2003.
Our sales department has announced a big new order from an international company recently. It will bring us much more workload. And the annual holiday increased to 5 weeks per year. That means that we have more workload and less working days.
If we had more staff the order should be on time. We should save our company’s reputation. And the workflow will be improved.

作文解析：

BEC中級(jí)的大作文題型一般以寫報(bào)告、書信為主，因此，這些必考問(wèn)題的具體格式必須掌握。英文商務(wù)報(bào)告的格式有五個(gè)部分組成，其中包括報(bào)告的Subject, Introduction (This report aims/sets out to……)，F(xiàn)indings (it was found that)， Conclusions(It was decided/agreed/felt that……)， Recommendations (It is suggested that…..) 括號(hào)中是每段開頭固定的表達(dá)方式，考生不宜自己去創(chuàng)造。同樣寫信也有格式化的表達(dá)方式，再此恕不展開。 和第一部分一樣，大作文的寫作審題是第一步，所有給出的已知條件必須用足。

本文中：

1.考生的習(xí)文字?jǐn)?shù)恰當(dāng)。但沒(méi)有把報(bào)告應(yīng)有的四個(gè)部分寫完整，這將導(dǎo)致大量失分。在以上的習(xí)文中，考生表現(xiàn)出了不錯(cuò)的語(yǔ)言駕馭能力。

2.在審題上還有一些欠缺，比如 Another reason for more staff is that we will have fewer delays. 在題目中給出的已知條件中，有一份客戶的投訴信件，應(yīng)當(dāng)作為佐證被引用，否則order should be on time無(wú)從談起。

3.除了沒(méi)有按照?qǐng)?bào)告的固定格式外，考生語(yǔ)言太隨意。比如說(shuō)，our sales department has announced a big new order，沒(méi)有出處，而根據(jù)文章中給出的已知條件，這是公司Newsletter所通告的，那么根據(jù)報(bào)告的要求，應(yīng)該指出信息來(lái)源。

4.中國(guó)學(xué)生還普遍特別敏感的就是企業(yè)的信譽(yù)，因此經(jīng)常會(huì)看到學(xué)生動(dòng)輒就是喊口號(hào)的語(yǔ)言，比如說(shuō)文中We should save our company’s reputation. 這樣空洞無(wú)物的話應(yīng)該避免。

5.還有就是細(xì)節(jié)處理，句子和段落之間連接忽略了。比如說(shuō)，It will bring us much more workload. And the annual holiday increased to 5 weeks per year. 以及最后一句話And the workflow will be improved.其中的and 這個(gè)詞用在這里顯隨意了些，可以考慮用Meanwhile 有“禍不單行”的意思。后面的And 應(yīng)該刪除。That means that we have more workload 這里兩個(gè)that離的太近，可以考慮把后面一個(gè)去掉，同時(shí)時(shí)態(tài)應(yīng)該是we will have。

范文：

Report on: More staff in our department
Date: 27.03.2004

Introduction
This report aims to explain why our department needs more staff.
Findings
Statistics show that there exists a big gap between the number of staff in our department and staff workload. While the number of ordered units grew up from only 200000 to 400000 in 2 years, the number of staff grew only by 5 people. According to the Staff Newsletter dated February 2004, we have won a big new order from an international company. That will bring us more work. At the same time, annual holiday has been increased to 5 weeks per year, meaning there won’t be enough staff for all the work. Our customer service department recently received a complaint from one of our clients about a tremendous delay in our delivery.
Conclusion
There are many reasons which explain the need of more staff. It is especially important for reducing the number of delays in delivery and to optimize the workflow.
Recommendations
More staff does not only mean more costs, it also means improved customer satisfaction.

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